The Trap Of Eternal Adolescence

When it comes to stress and interpersonal conflict many of us deal with that by reverting to a younger sense of self.

You know what I mean here. We can all be guilty of causing a scene, sulking, raising our voices, getting frustrated.

Sometimes it works. After all people don’t like to upset a ’child’, so they back down and give in.

But you may also notice that responding in this way brings up the other person’s ‘inner child’ which then ends in a stand off or shouting match. Alternatively, you may trigger their ‘inner parent’ who puts their foot down, stops listening, demanding that you do what they say.

A more useful way of being when it comes to interpersonal challenges is to be aware of - and to develop - your 'adult' sense of self, whilst noticing when your 'child' sense of self has been activated.

We all have an adult sense of self, but sometimes we have to consciously apply it - allow it to come foreground - create a new habit if you like - and be aware of what it feels like and does. In therapy we often explore the interrelation between the 'child', 'adult' and 'parent' sense of self.

When thinking about the adult sense of self there are some fundamentals to consider:

• An adult sense of self understands boundaries. 

• Rather than being angry or judgemental, an adult sense of self is assertive.

• Instead of being over-helpful or self-sacrificing, an adult sense of self offers support when asked for and needed.

• The adult sense of self respects others' ability to think for themselves. 

• The adult sense of self does not obsess about what other people think of them. 

• The adult sense of self is aware of their own self-agency, and actively develops that, asking for support rather than automatically going to a place of helplessness.

• The adult sense of self knows the difference between a thought and a feeling and wants and needs.

• The adult sense of self is strategic rather than manipulative.

• The adult sense of self is aware when they are catastrophising.

• The adult sense of self is pro-active in developing vulnerability. As the writer Brene Brown reminds us, vulnerability is not a weakness. Far from it, it is a strength. Vulnerability is about candour, the ability to be open, honest and direct. Vulnerability can feel counter-intuitive, if it does that is a good sign. 

All of this is a lifetime work in progress. We will never get it right all of the time, but an awareness - and a commitment - to our adult sense of self is a good start.

It is important not to ignore or disown our child part. 

Being aware of our younger part when it emerges, listening to it, and seeing what it is trying to tell us is key here. Our younger part may need to be looked after, but our response to stress and relational difficulties does not have to be ‘child’ or have an expectation of 'parent'. Sometimes we need to say to ourselves, ‘I can hear your pain, but right now I am going to let my adult part come foreground to deal with this.’

Our child part is also much needed. It represents our playful, creative side. Allowing wonder, silliness, and curiosity into our lives can help develop meaningful connections and supportive networks. Anyone for a weekend of cosplay at Premier Inn?

Culturally, we live in an age where the 'eternal adolescent' rules. We are bombarded with TikTok, ‘me me me’ culture, girl squads, Jellycat obsessions, Marvel, and online personas. Instant gratification and ‘likes’ are encouraged. Pop culture is cartoonish, cutesy and kitsch. The lines between what is real or fake are blurred.

Of course, many people feel the world is increasingly unsafe and unbalanced. Maybe, cutesy nostalgia and Harry Poter plastic wands offer a sense of continuity and familiarity. We've been through a destabilising pandemic during which disconnection was mandatory. The collective scrambling of our synapses has led to a mass regression. People walk around the street having loud conversations on their hands-free phone, or tear down the pavement on an electric scooter - the transport of choice of the eternal adolescent - and whilst this might be self-absorbed and inconsiderate - the shadow of the eternal adolescent - it kind of makes sense within the context of the times we live in.

From a neuro-developmental perspective, the eternal adolescent and ADHD go hand in hand. Put simply, the need for dopamine and the noradrenaline neurotransmitters associated with reward and focus mean that people with ADHD can be drawn to the reward of instant gratification, thrills, shopping on Temu, and things that are cute and sparkly.

And so, inhabiting our adult sense of self is not always straight-forward, but being aware of our adult/child ego states, and how these intersect with our neuro-developmental experience and socio-cultural context may be helpful when it comes to navigating life, relationships, and all the challenges we face on a daily basis.