One of the golden rules of psychotherapy is that psychotherapists don't really give 'advice'. Why is that? After all, many people who come to therapy are in acute distress or have been unable to work out a problem by themselves. They want clear solutions. Surely a therapist who has done the work, has a good grasp of the human condition, and deals with complex issues day in day out is best placed to offer advice?
The old adage goes that advice is like debt: no one wants it and when we get it, we’ll do our best to ignore it. A real no-no is unsolicited parenting advice. It’s kind of a lose/lose situation, even if the answer is glaringly obvious. Sit on your hands and keep your mouth shut would be my advice here!
The problem with advice is that it can miss the subjective experience of the person in question. Advice can undermine autonomy. More often than not, advice comes from the perspective of the person giving the advice, and therefore can come across as having an agenda or bias. George Lois’s best selling book, Damn Good Advice (For People With Talent) is great fun, but essentially it's for men of a certain class and background - with advice such as ‘never be cocky (but you’d better be cocksure!)' And let’s not forget, your best friend might have a good grasp about what makes you tick, but when they tell you to ‘dump him’ this might not be fully thought through - chances are they are bored of hearing you go on and on about your relationship woes.
I have to admit, I’m not adverse to advice, but the key is to use what is offered as a springboard for further exploration. Lay it all out on the table and take it from there, if you like.
With this in mind, I put the question of giving advice to some psychotherapist colleagues. The idea of framing advice as an offering - food on a buffet table if you like - was unanimously agreed upon. As one colleague said, ‘try it, and if you don’t like the taste of it, spit it out.’
Another colleague said, ‘I try to raise awareness of choice rather than offering something that, because of the power dynamic, the person might feel obliged to follow. I also try to check how it’s landed and discuss how what I’ve suggested feels to the person receiving it.’
Another highlighted the moral imperative - if there is an obvious morally ‘right thing’ to do, then it might be necessary to offer that, but again this would be a starting point of exploration, and probably something the person already knows.
Giving and receiving advice rests on the strength of the relationship. If there is trust, we may be able to tolerate what we hear, remaining open to the exploration. If the advice lands badly and causes a rupture, that may highlight a fault line that was always there. Sometimes we need to rip the plaster off - break down to break through and all that - though the repair may be a long road - and ultimately done separately.
One final word on this topic, advice is not the same as rules of life or tips, which are a bit more take it or leave it. The artist, Laurie Anderson, speaking on Radio 4's Desert Island Discs, shares her three rules for life: 'never be afraid of anyone' ... 'develop your bullshit detector' ...and 'be tender'. Wise words. As for tips, 'put it back where you found it' ... 'floss everyday' .... and 'remember people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think', are pretty indisputable.
Damn Good Advice - George Lois - Phaidon
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0026v03 - Laurie Anderson Desert Island Disks intervew
We can always rely on Dolly Alderton for some good advice (The Times paywall) - https://www.thetimes.com/life-style/sex-relationships/article/dolly-alderton-58-rules-for-life-advice-ddvnxwgtr
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