Better Off Single?

Lionel Ritchie has a lot to answer for. You see, back in the 80s there was a TV ad for the Halifax bank and being an impressionable teenager, it set the standard for how I wanted my life to be.

The guy in the ad wakes up in his cool loft apartment - by himself - and realises he has no milk in the fridge. His cat gives him a reproachful look, but at least he can do what he wants. He has a brand new debit card, which means he can withdraw money any time. And so, as Lionel Ritchie croons Easy Like Sunday Morning, we see our protagonist returning home with the Sunday papers, a coffee on the go, his cat contented on his lap. As a teenager I loved what the ad stood for: the guy didn’t need anyone - he was independent, self-sufficent - and had a cat.

As I've grown older, I’ve come to realise that life does not work like this: no man is an island and happiness may be contingent on more than just a swanky apartment and a cat. (My cat may disagree of course).

To ‘know thyself’ deeply we need to engage with something other than ourselves. Connection gives us purpose and meaning. It nurtures wellbeing. It is through connection that we create humanity.

Despite that, many more people are beginning to question why they need to be in a relationship. A popular topic on social media is 'heteropessimism', which whilst sounding a little 1970s, questions why women would want to settle down with men who are psychologically immature. For financial security? Companionship? Sex? There's no guarantee of that anyway of course.

But what if you get ill? Or want a baby? Or have to deal with a complicated life issue? These things might be more difficult outside a committed relationship, but not necessarily so.

Coupledom may maintain social and cultural primacy but if we stripped away some of the social norms around relationships and marriage, would more people choose to be single?

Being single does not need to be a transitional state between relationships. It can offer independence, choice and self-agency.

Singledom is not straight forward admittedly. Let's face it, single people are routinely discriminated against - single supplements, cinema seats, and taxes. Try buying a house and being told by the seller that they will only sell to ‘a nice family’. Even your computer's spellcheck discriminates - it won’t acknowledge ‘singledom’ - whilst it is quite happy with ‘coupledom’. A single friend told me that they did not apply for high profile job, because without a partner for support, it would be too challenging. Whether this is correct is beside the point, it's what they believe and have experienced on some systemic level.

Of course, being single is not the same as being alone, which is not the same as being lonely, though lonliness and a lack of intimacy can be an outcome of being by oneself. The W. H. Auden quote, 'to be free is often to be lonely' is a curious paradox. Then again, being in a relationship is no guarantee against lonliness and a lack of intimacy either.

A lack of intimacy - In To Me See - is known as ‘skin hunger'. The desire for sexual and non-sexual physical contact with others is a recognised psychopathological issue. Research indicates that affective touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain which impacts emotional and social behaviours, as well as learning and decision making. Other studies have drawn a link between touch and the capacity to fight off infections.

The one thing I truly believe is that 'singledom' needs to be acknowledged as a state of being which is equal to coupledom.

To live a nourishing single life, it is important to develop supportive and meaningful networks that create intimacy and connection, to question expectations and givens, and to reframe our attitude to what constitutes a relationship. Probably a useful attitude, whether one is single or coupled up.

As for the primacy of coupledom, challenge that. I recommend small acts of resistance. Sit in the best spot in the restaurant. On a villa holiday with friends? Do not put up with the twin bedroom, demand the double bed. Never buy a ‘meal for one’ - they’re always more expensive, whereas the regular option gives you two meals or seconds!

#psychotherapy

#relationships

#single

Further listening

Matthew Syed on BBC Radio 4's Sideways explores whether you can find joy and fulfillment in the single life. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0022cdk