In Praise of Singledom

Lionel Ritchie has a lot to answer for. You see, back in the 80s there was a TV ad for the Halifax bank, and being an impressionable teenager, it set the standard for how I wanted my life to be.

In the ad, the guy wakes up in his cool loft apartment - by himself - and realises he has no milk in the fridge. His cat gives him a reproachful look, but at least has a brand new debit card, which means he can withdraw money any time - and not be accountable to anyone. And so, as Lionel Ritchie croons Easy Like Sunday Morning, we see our protagonist returning home with the Sunday papers, a coffee on the go, his cat contented on his lap. As a teenager I loved what the ad stood for: the guy was independent, self-sufficent - and had a cat.

As I've grown older, I’ve come to realise that life does not work like this. No man is an island and contentedness may be contingent on more than just a swanky apartment and a cat. (My cat may disagree of course).

As a species we are hardwired for connection. To ‘know thyself’ we need to engage with something other than ourselves. Connection gives us purpose and meaning. It nurtures wellbeing. This is what makes us human. But, let’s face it, relationships are complicated. ‘Hell is other people’ (thank you J-P Sartre).

Coupledom may maintain social and cultural primacy but there is a whole smorgasbord of options on the table these days. Whilst all the talk is about non-monogamy, truples and pansexuality, if we stripped away some of the social norms around sexuality and relationships - let alone monogamy and marriage - would more people choose to be single?

A popular topic on social media right now is 'heteropessimism', which whilst sounding a little 1970s, questions why women would want to settle down with men who are psychologically immature and lack emotional intelligence. For financial security? Companionship? Sex? There's no guarantee of any of that of course

I very much hold that 'singledom' needs to be acknowledged as a state of being which is equal to coupledom. Being single does not need to be a transitional state between relationships. It can offer independence, choice and self-agency whilst being sexually and emotionally fulfilling. I appreciate none of this is not straightforward. What if you get ill? Or want a baby? Or die? All valid questions. Being single may complicate these life experiences, but that does not have to be the case.

In the first instance, the discrimination against single people needs to stop. This discrimation is sytemic: single supplements, taxes, and even the inflated cost of a meal-for-one. Try buying a home and being told by the seller that they will only sell to ‘a nice family’- that has happened to me. Even computers discriminate. Spellcheck won’t acknowledge ‘singledom’, whilst it is quite happy with ‘coupledom’. A single friend told me that they did not apply for high profile job, because it was expected that they would have a partner who would support them with day-to-day life management. Whilst this was not part of the job description, the implicit message was clear.

Of course, being single is not the same as being alone, which is not the same as being lonely, though lonliness and a lack of intimacy can be an outcome of being by oneself. The W. H. Auden quote, 'to be free is often to be lonely' is a curious paradox. Then again, being in a relationship is no guarantee against lonliness and a lack of intimacy either.

A lack of intimacy - In To Me See - is known as ‘skin hunger'. The desire for sexual and non-sexual physical contact with others is a recognised psychopathological issue. Research indicates that affective touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain which impacts emotional and social behaviours, as well as learning and decision making. Other studies have drawn a link between touch and the capacity to fight off infections.

To live a fulfilling single life, it is important to develop supportive and meaningful networks that create intimacy and connection, to question expectations and givens, and to reframe our attitude to what constitutes a relationship. Probably a useful attitude, whether one is single or not.

As for the primacy of coupledom, challenge that. I recommend small acts of resistance. Sit in the best spot in the restaurant. On a villa holiday with friends? Do not put up with the twin bedroom, demand the double bed and never buy a ‘meal for one’ - they’re always more expensive.

#psychotherapy

#relationships

#single

Further listening

Matthew Syed on BBC Radio 4's Sideways explores whether you can find joy and fulfillment in the single life. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0022cdk